In all the years that Leslie and I had discussed cooking and cooking methods, the conversation somehow never got around to grilling — until a little over a year ago. On that fateful mid-January evening he uttered the tragic words, “I can’t grill.” I was, quite simply, gobsmacked. I literally could not talk for several minutes. In fact, so huge to me was this oversight in his culinary training that I had to rewire my brain on “how-to-breathe” again before I could somewhat calmly state, “What the feck did you say?” Speaking partly out of fear and as if to a young child, he repeated the sentence — s-l-o-w-l-y.
The expletives that followed rivaled anything that has flown out of my mouth when watching one of my favorite sports teams play. He could have told me that he’d bedded an entire brothel, and I would not have felt as “betrayed” as this piece of knowledge seemed to have affected me. In “my” world ALL MEN GRILL … And they LOVE it — PERIOD.
The flimsy excuse he used about being born in the UK and being a borderline vegetarian (grilled veggies; anyone?) did not fly when presented to a few of my favorite friends also from that country. For they, too, are grillmasters in their own right — tools and all. THEY aren’t tools; they have tools. (Wait … Just wait! *oof*) As a matter-of-fact, two threw down the “B.S.” card.
In true Leslie-form he wrote about my emasculating him, the Apocalypse coming due to his lack of skill set, and his taking his new Ken-like self (pearls, pumps, purse, and all) down to the pub while fire and brimstone rained down upon us all. (Alas and alack, with no one to grill in sight.)
A year later I still have people asking me if my love has learned to grill. And now as of last night the truth can be told. Leslie has not learned to grill, and he has no intention to learn any time … e-v-e-r. He’s perfectly fine with my handling this culinary function if he ever deigns to buy me a grill. For it’s not that Leslie can’t grill; it’s that he simply (in his own words) can’t be bothered to grill. The truth has finally been revealed!