Today I love you while I struggle with the concept that I actually affect people.
You think that’s what I strive to do with my words? With my voice? With my actions? Well, yes and no.
When I am passionate about a cause, of which I have those near and dear to my heart, I work tirelessly to spread the word. I make a conscious effort to be heard, knowing that I have the ability to write the way I speak and feel … and speaking “out, for, and against” when I feel as if my voice can serve the greater good. I feel as if we all have the ability to do this on different levels.
I write stories and poems from life, inside and outside of me. And if my words touch you, connect with you, I feel incredibly blessed. However, there is never any conscious effort on my part for you to connect with me. As a matter-of-fact, it’s rather intimidating to me at times that you do. It brings home to me the power of words. Regardless as to how they are presented, they have power. And that scares me because I never seek to have power, control, or influence over anyone in my life. (It’s enough being a mother to two sons and helping them with their own destinies … wanting at times to just show them the path instead of helping them discover it on their own. Even then I realize that discipline is guidance, and that they will find it somehow with or without my help … But thank you, God, they want my help.)
But people in general? Influencing them? Affecting them? I shudder every time someone says that to me. I don’t ask for that. I am going to love you and accept you … just the way you are. It is not up to me to judge you, find you superior or inferior, categorize you, and then strategize you into some place in my life. And that apparently is what gets to folks …
You don’t believe it unless you spend time with me. You fail to see that while you’re talking with me your true self is coming out. You are revealing yourself to me and you. And therein lies the issue for many of you. You do not want self-examination. You do not want to be “self-actualized.” You want to live in your bubble of striving perfectionism, when you’d be so much happier recovering from that notion. Again, however, it’s not for me to point that out … It’s your discovery.
Your anger and pain are directed at me because I’m an easy target. Why? I love you. And it is so very easy to hurt those who love and care about us the most — because they will love and care about us no matter what. You cast me from your life, but you are never far from my mind. Why? You have touched my soul with your presence, and I carry you around with me, always. You remember that.
You are confused by me because on one hand I am extremely empathetic and sympathetic to your life while on the other hand I remain fully objective, oftentimes unfeeling, towards your circumstances. This is my nature. I can’t help but physically and mentally feel what you experience unless I go back to the catatonic state of my late teens/early 20’s. My nature also shows me to be an incredibly, unemotional ass sometimes, stating the “obvious” to you from my grand perch – my complacent arrogance that allows me to see and feel you, but never you, me.
I, on the other hand, hide from you as much as I can. You do not see this. You see someone who is gracious, welcoming, lovely and charming to all. Well I detest rudeness. I believe that there is no excuse for it, and that everyone should be made to feel welcomed. If he or she is a buttwipe they don’t need my help proving it. They’ll do that for themselves soon enough. And, by focusing on you I deflect the attention from me.
I have a strong sense of self, a strong self-confidence while I am focused on accomplishments. However, simply “being” sometimes unnerves me. I am better in action rather than inactive. I am shy, or a better word might be reserved, when I first encounter you. You do not see this because I am an extrovert for survival’s sake (but truly an introvert by nature). And while I am a goddess of “inaction is action,” drawing on a well of patience I had to fight hard to obtain and struggle to maintain … I truly want to know the how and what (before the why) always … and right now, please.
I care nothing for ego or pride, knowing how fragile most of our psyches are to the whims of careless comments and actions. Instead I focus on my self-worth, my self-respect … those two concrete pieces of me that are inviolate. Inviolate because no one is allowed to mess with them, ever. If you try I ignore you. If you succeed you’re gone from my life forever. I worked hard to feel as if I count, as if I matter … even if only to myself. I still struggle with this, and probably always will.
Why have I told you all of this? Because I want you to see me, if ever so briefly, as I truly am. I am a wonderfully flawed being that has embraced the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful into my daily living. And I don’t allow myself that luxury to think about whether or not you care about me, or “like me,” because I’d never get any work done. Because I don’t want to “influence” you. Because most of the time I’m scared spitless when I do affect you. That’s something I want you to do for yourself. Because I want to share in your life as much as you’ll let me while completely maintaining my privacy, my independence, my nearly phobic autonomy.
I want so much for you to matter for yourself. I do not ever want you to compare your life to anyone else’s. Own your own life in order to grow and live fully every day that you are blessed to receive. I want you to be happy by, with, and for yourself … and I want you to share that happiness with me. But I don’t want to be responsible for your happiness, or dependent upon you for mine. I want to be in the moment with you … even if that moment is gone in an instant. I want to give you 100% of myself when we’re together, but 100% of me as I am, not as you wish me to be or as you think I am.
I want you …
*The previous is a repost from my other blog with minor revisions. ~SCF